Love languages and why they’re important

Love languages and why they’re important

“Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They are in each other all along.”- Rumi

Love is within each and every living being.The only thing that differs in each of us is the way we express it. Our love language.

Infact, the only way we see love in the external world is through a love language, making it possible for us to see the love and appreciate it.

So if you ask me the importance of love languages?

Well, it’s the way we communicate the love within us. So I’d say it’s pretty important.

And what does one mean by love language?
It refers to one’s way of expressing love and the way they like to receive love.

Gary Chapman, after more than 30 years of counselling couples, realized that couples were misunderstanding one another and their needs. Through his notes, he categorized 5 languages of love, which he put in words.

The 5 love languages observed by him are:

Words of affirmation :
This is about expressing your love through spoken words. When this is one’s love language, they like receiving it in forms of praise, encouragement and appreciation.
A small text, a little compliment or a cute note can make one’s day.

Acts of service:
This is about expressing love in the form of thoughtful or helpful acts. Here, one feels loved when their partner does little acts of love for them. For example, doing dishes, helping with laundry or running errands. They also do the same acts of service for their loved ones. The one doing the act feels good for this selfless act of love. These acts of service are not just in romantic relationships, but otherwise as well, for the wellness of the world, often seen in leaders and social workers.This love languages can make the world a kinder place.

Receiving gifts
Gift- giving is symbolic of love and affection. It’s not just about the gift, but the time, thought and effort put into giving the gift, by the gift giver. It’s not about how big or small the gift is, the intent and thought behind the gift makes one feel loved and understood. It tells the receiver that you really know them. It is also a form of acknowledgement in a relationship.
Also, gifts trigger our reward system as well causing a release of a happy hormone, i.e., Dopamine.

Physical touch
Physical touch in the form of a peck, hug, holding hands or even a pat can make one feel loved and adored. It does not necessarily need to be in the form of sex.
Just sitting with your loved one, cuddling or touching each other can make one feel loved.
Touch is infact, the first form of communication to a baby. The amount of physical touch received as a child does affect one’s social and behavioral development.
Touch also releases another happy hormone in us. i.e., Oxytocin.

Quality time
Here, one wants undivided attention from their partners to feel love and appreciated. This means, keeping your phone aside and being there with each other in the moment. It involves eye contact, active listening and reciprocating. People who have this as their love language focus on the quality of time rather than quantity of time.

Ofcourse, we’ve all wanted expressions of love in all of the above forms. But, you must know that when we talk about expressing love, something we often don’t realise or understand is the fact that every individual differs in their primary & secondary love language.

What I mean by this is, one prefers a certain language of love over another. It’s a need for them. And therefore, they only understand love from these primary & secondary languages of love of their own.

When they don’t see expressions in this form, there are often misunderstandings. Especially when their partner’s way of expression is different from their own.

How do people differ in their love language?

Very often, what a child has seen as a way of love in their primary environment (family) is how they express & know to express. For example, if a child was shown love through rewards for their acts of service, a child would believe in this form of love language, which makes it their predominant love language.

That is not all of it though—if there is a lack of any of the above forms of love in your childhood, the inner child craves it, making that another predominant language of love. For example, if a child was not provided much encouragement or expression of love through spoken words, it is something one would need and want to receive in their adulthood from their relationships.

In this way, our primary environment plays a major role in defining our love language.

Why is it important to understand your partner’s love language?

Psychoanalytically speaking, every child learns the concept of love and relationships from their primary relationships. Every child has an emotional need to be seen, heard, loved and accepted.

When these needs are not met in their primary relationships, they lead to unmet emotional needs and expectations in a child, leaving a hurt inner child trying to fulfill these needs from other relationships in their adulthood. Most commonly with their romantic partners.

Therefore, when these emotional needs are not met in relationships, there is often resentment and misunderstandings.

For a healthy relationship, it is often needed to understand your partner’s love language, so that the love within is experienced mutually, and not misunderstood.

How can couples understand their love language?

Communication is key here!
But before that, one must look within and try to understand their own love language.

How do you express your love and like to receive love from your partner?

Get to know yourself and your expectations.

Once you have this awareness, it gets easier to communicate it to another.

Ofcourse, deciding a plan of action after this awareness truly helps.

Here are a few tips:
Keep in mind that each person’s love language is different.
Start with baby steps.
Be patient as you try to find middle grounds.
Communication is key. Do not hesitate in speaking up about what you expect. Infact, it is important you convey it, so that the other individual knows.
Have a neutral space, like therapy, for healthy discussions.

All in all, I wanna say, love is to express & experience and not keep within.

And when experienced with another, it is only amplified.

So my darlings, do not hesitate to express.

Love is too beautiful & pure to be suppressed.

Love truly, deeply and freely!

Writer: Dr. Vidhya Nair