Dealing with being “called out”

Have you ever been called out? I’m sure you have. I’m willing to bet on it. Nearly all of us have at some point, in some way. How did you feel? Did you feel embarrassed? Maybe even attacked?

Well, I understand and I’m here for you.

No, you haven’t been “cancelled”, don’t blame the ruthless tentacles of the insidious boogeyman of “cancel culture”– you’ve been called out. It sounds the same but, trust me, it isn’t, and it’s about time we discussed why it isn’t. I’ve been called out before and I hated it.

I didn’t start my journey of unlearning until most of my 20s were behind me, there was a lot of problematic and even toxic behaviour that I had to dismantle, disengage, and discontinue so you can trust me when I say that I got called out a lot and still do to this day.

I revisited my values and beliefs and found my politics and feminism. I revisited my understanding of consent and boundaries and worked to be better with regard to how I communicated with and interacted with women. I worked through the shame and regret of my 20s and used every call-out as an opportunity to course-correct the way I was socialized.

You know what it’s like to be called out. Your face turns red and hot. You get defensive right away, reflexively – “I’m not the bad guy here, of course not, you’re just being overly sensitive. Calm down. Do you remember that time when you did something and I didn’t say anything?”

Sound familiar? Getting called out makes you feel threatened and judged. It’s an unpleasant feeling, like the air around you has gotten still and there’s an invisible spotlight on you. You know what I’m talking about. Someone is looking directly at your face and telling you that you did something wrong. There’s no kindness to soften the blow. There might even be anger.

Your fight-or-flight activates immediately and your brain is cycling through excuses for your problematic behaviour. You’re confused. You’re reflexively angry. Things were going great and you didn’t mean to be problematic, you were being friendly, you were just talking, you were being forward, you took a chance, why are they mad at you? What is their problem? You don’t like this dissonance in their reaction, they aren’t laughing, they’re not reciprocating, they don’t feel good and you’re directly responsible.

You’re the bad guy. I imagine it hurts your feelings. How could it not? You weren’t trying to be the bad guy and now you are the bad guy.

You did something wrong and they didn’t ignore it or laugh it off, they drew attention to it and they want you to be accountable for it. What do you do?

They’re telling you that your action, your behaviour, was bad and disgusted them and you know they’re correct and you’re stressed out because you’re not off the hook. You have to sit with that feeling, process what you’ve done, and do something. It’s not easy, is it?

Your brain scrambles to find justifications for your behaviour. Maybe they’re wrong. Maybe you’re right. You don’t know how yet but you’ll find a way. Maybe they didn’t see it the right way. Maybe you had no choice.

You didn’t mean to do it, of course not. Actually, no, you did mean to do it, big deal, why are they being so sensitive about it?

Maybe there’s something wrong with them. You can’t let this accusation stand, you will be unloved and no one will hire you. You parents will regret the way they raised you. You’re a failure. Do something! Lie to them, defer blame, pretend you were confused, pretend they’re confused, you have to do something, you just have to – Stop. Breathe. Relax, please.

You’ve been called out but it’s worse in your head. Let me tell you what it actually is.

They’re telling you that something you’ve said or done is wrong. Listen to them, this is how you will grow. Don’t make excuses for your behaviour. Don’t try to justify it.

Own it.

Apologize and remember. Remember and learn.

Make sure that you’re mindful of boundaries next time. Make sure you’re mindful of consent. Make sure that you’re willing to learn more about this later if you said something ignorant.

You’re not a bad person, you’re just a person who did a bad thing and you can be better by doing better.

The unfortunate reality is that we’ve been socialized badly and it’s why we all start like this. We grow up internalizing these bad beliefs and we don’t realize it until it does real-world damage. We’re taught to be slapdash with boundaries and consent in order to be a man, to be a friend, to be a lover and that’s fostered a full deck of normalized toxic or problematic behaviours that we inflict on others.

To anyone on the receiving end of toxic behaviour reading this, I’m sorry, we’re going to do better.

We owe it to ourselves and those around us to unlearn this. It’s hard work and it’s constant and you’re never ever really done but it starts with pledging to grow and be better.

It won’t protect you from being called out, you will still be called out throughout your life and it will rarely be palatable, but guess what?

That’s normal and that’s fine.

Call-outs are a series of wake-up calls that keep you vigilant about what you need to unlearn and keep you consistent on your path to being a better person.

Embrace it, don’t fight it. It’s how we hold ourselves accountable.

It’s how we become wiser. Become kinder.